ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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