my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
