We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Success! We fucked roommates!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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