I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It's never too late to be topless.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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