the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
