Who wears a wallet chain?!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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