"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
