Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
