Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
