Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
i've created a new STD.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
