As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
