This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
