I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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