Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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