he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
