those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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