This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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