Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
