If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
