he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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