I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
try to milk me bitch
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