Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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