I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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