When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
