there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
