Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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