Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
