I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
