my phone needs a breathalizer
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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