I skipped work to stalk him.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
