I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
