I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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