Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
