my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
