the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
