I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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