you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
