at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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