Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
