I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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