In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
