Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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