i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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