just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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