You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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