You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
