This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
