If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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