Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
