Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
