wanna go halves on a baby?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
