I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
