Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
